EXCERPTS FROM THE 2005 NOTEBOOK OF AVARIS
HABACHI, UNDERGROUND DOCTOR
17/4/05: Patient exhibits signs of rust. After descaling and polishing, symptoms greatly
alleviated.
23/5/05: Patient has severe case of wandering anus. Worst case I’ve seen before. Anus currently located 16 centimetres below left
shoulder. Patient experiences anxiety,
confusion, and great inconvenience, but no pain at this stage.
30/5/05: Patient producing earwax from the nose. Symptoms treated with discretion.
4/6/05: Patient claims to be from the future, thanks me for
excellent work I have not yet performed.
Unusual but harmless. Brought me
large bouquet of irises, my favourite.
Perfume exquisite.
6/6/05: Patient growing roots. Mostly aesthetic, however patient finds
herself drawn towards large bodies of water.
Trimming causes much distress. Tap
root considerable, unresponsive to treatment.
Long baths appear to soothe.
9/6/05: Patient largely atrophied. Currently fits in matchbox. Generally content, but very very small. Difficult
to treat because of typical medication size.
Note: patient’s sibling brought in, unusually large. Can’t help but suspect.
13/6/05: Patient with wandering anus returned. Anus now located midway up throat, patient
much distressed. Recommended scarves, turtle-necks, and
breath-freshening mints. Still no
pain. Lotion seems to do little to alleviate
symptoms, very perplexing.
17/6/05: Patient has
independent eye. Attracted irresistibly to
motion, green hues, and silent film.
Muscular tests inconclusive.
Symptoms treated with jade eyepatch and the works of D. W. Griffith.
25/6/05: Patient exhibiting dental outgrowths below the
knee. Useless in everyday mastication,
but benign. Recommended regular flossing.
26/6/05: Patient with post-knee dentation reports
somnambulant episodes of partner-biting.
Mouthguard may be required during sleep.
30/6/05: Patient prone to fits of rice-making. Delicious but needs more salt.
9/7/05: Patient exhibits signs of high-gloss. Recommended dermatologist and fine-grade
sandpaper.
13/7/05: Patient exhibits functioning gills. Unfortunately, patient also has severe
hydrophobia. Poor response to lotions
and medication. Recommended increasing
sessions of exposure to fine mist.
18/7/05: Patient exhibits extreme hair-loss, but not own
hair. Have not seen case this bad in
years. Treatment of tonic rubbed on proxy
successful thus far.
21/7/05: Patient brought in by guardian. Patient exhibiting quadrupedia, mane, tail, hooves. Suspect patient may indeed just be horse. Referred guardian to psychologist, and, should
symptoms persist, veterinarian.
1/8/05: Patient with wandering anus now in extreme discomfort. Anus now located in centre of forehead. Hats help only so much. Still no pain, but social anxiety intense. Referral to dietician and specialist in
curse-breaking.
4/8/05: Patient complaining of lack of adherence to regular chronological
flow. Recommended fibre, bath salts, and
string. Prognosis promising. Asks for check-up appointment two months
prior. Made strange comment about irises
in vase on desk (which just seem to be getting fresher and fresher).
