The New Guide to Swearing
Anyone who knows me, knows that I fucking love
swearing. Fucking love it. All those
weird nincompoops who argue that swearing somehow “limits your vocabulary” are clearly
deranged: what limits your vocabulary, quite literally, is the refusal to use a
certain set of words. Because, you see, vocabulary
is all about the size of the range of words you can use. Duh - this stuff isn’t rocket surgery. Swearing not only expands your vocabulary,
but it allows endless permutationary creativity, while simultaneously enabling
cathartic release – when you smash your toe with a hammer and let fly with
“shit-sucking uncle of a dickfart’s mother!”, you not only express yourself
creatively, but release some of your pain into the ether.
But is all swearing equal?
I’ve decided to analyse the psychological connotations of various forms
of swearing, because 1) I like to question stuff, and 2) I’ve started to feel
uncomfortable lately about some of the implications certain swearwords have. So – let’s get to it, motherfuckers.
BLASPHEMY:
Obviously blasphemy’s fine. As far
as I’m concerned, all religions are such obvious nonsense that this barely even
rates a mention. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ,
even if god wasn’t a fictional delusion this stuff would be suss. Any sort of all-powerful being that cares
about humyns using its name “in vain” (ie, for anything other than grovelling
worship) is clearly such an insecure fuckwad that it deserves nothing but
scorn. And please, anyone who claims to
be a god of love and mercy, who then invents a place of eternal torture in
which to endlessly torment his enemies, is probably bullshitting you about the
love and mercy bit. (Seriously, I could
go on about this stuff for ages – best to let it go for now.) So, yes, as far as I’m concerned, blaspheme
away to your heart’s content.
MISCELLANEOUS “SHIT”:
Biologically, our own faeces is meant to be unpleasant; with its foul odour
and health repercussions, we have evolved to generally regard our waste as
suspect, and to steer clear of it whenever possible. This seems a fair enough call. So “that was shit” seems totally appropriate
to me. Perhaps some of the variants
might be borderline acceptable (“suck shit”, “fucking shit”) as far as the
imagery goes, but nothing that threatens society with its underlying
psychological implications. (Obviously
coprophages aren’t going to agree with me here, but they can suck shit. See what I did there? Ohohohoho.)
“DICK” / “CUNT” / “ARSEHOLE”
/ MISC BODYPARTS:
These seem fine to me. Of course,
when these words are used as simple descriptive words, they’re fine: “I love
your cunt”, “you have a superb-looking dick”, “I have an itchy arsehole”. But are there any problems when we use them
metaphorically? I don’t think so. Saying “they were being total dicks”, or
“turned out he was a massive cunt”, or “she is an absolute arsehole”, is
suggesting that the people referred to aren’t whole synergistically-sound entities,
but are in fact simply one big isolated organ.
It is as demeaning and insulting as suggesting that they are one giant
thumb, or reducing them to a single enormous eyeball – it is denying their
holistic organismhood. Which is fine. If you mean “this person has ruined my day, I
am greatly aggravated by their actions”, referring to them as one
unrealistically oversized body part does the trick nicely. However, I do recommend not using any of
these as direct insults: in general, I think steering clear of any sort of personal
name-calling is always a good idea. But
if you’re unable to do so, then I don’t see why “you’re a cunt” would be any
more offensive than “you’re an idiot”. Either
would be just as horrible to receive, person to person, I feel. However, as a term used for the purposes of
expressing anger or frustration about another’s actions in a descriptive sense,
I have no problem with the “isolated body parts” technique. (In fact, I’ve heard these terms used with
much fondness – “this cunt is me best mate” – so again, context is ultimate
when weighing offensiveness.)
“BASTARD”:
Just silly. In this long age of
separated parents and test-tube babies and adoption and surrogates and megacomplicated
familial relationships, the idea that one’s parents’ bond should be sanctioned
under one particular religious circumstance is laughably out-dated. Not sure how I feel about the word “bastard”
used as an insult, though: I mean, the concept behind the idea that having
unmarried parents is insult-worthy at all is the offensive thing here, much
more so than the actual word itself. But
really, I almost feel like “bastard” isn’t even used as an insult any more: I
think it’s one of those words that is so out of touch with current reality that
it’s moved right out of its old semantic place and into a new one
altogether. It’s a word that, nowadays, often
actually means something more akin to “whatsit” or “thingo”, isn’t it? I think it’s probably okay to use, in certain
circumstances, but I doubt I’ll be using it myself. Like “cad” or “bounder”, it’s a bit too quaint
to enable the cathartic utility of proper swearing.
“BITCH”:
Always seems gendered; even when used to describe a man, it is full of
connotations that this femaleness is partly what’s so undesirable. Don’t like it, have never used it. I don’t like gendered words in general, and
especially insulting gendered words, and this one really seems tied into
misogyny. Unpleasant, unnecessary. Strike it from the list.
“THAT SUCKS”:
We don’t even consider this one a swear word, but I’m pretty sure it
is. I don’t think anyone really thinks
it refers to sucking lemons or eggs (who the fuck sucks eggs anyway?). Regardless, I don’t like this one, because
the assumption behind the phrase is that “sucking” is a bad thing. Now, I can’t speak on everyone’s behalf, but
personally speaking, every single one of my experiences of the “sucking” phenomenon
have ranged from positive to very positive.
If we’re to assume that the phrase refers to the act of fellatio, then
it’s something that I actually have a great fondness for. The last thing that I want to be thinking, as
my man-shaft is being orally pleasured, is that my partner is having a bad
time. I want my sexual congress to be
mutually appealing to all parties concerned.
So I’m kinda feeling like I’m not going to be using the phrase “that
sucked” any more, even though it slips so easily off the tongue. (Same goes for “cocksucker”, for exactly the
same reasons.) So instead, I’m making
the full phrase “sucks dogballs”: that is, I’m not going to say “that sucked”
ever again, unless it’s accompanied by the “dogballs” suffix. I mean, “that party totally sucked massive
hairy dogballs” expresses the exact right sentiment, albeit a little more
colourfully than the old version would’ve.
So now I can continue using the phrase which so easily springs to mind,
but I can do so in a way that doesn’t further psychologically tarnish the fine
act of humyn-to-humyn fellatio. (Of
course, those of the animal-rooting community will feel offended by my
deliberate continuation of the negative connotations of bestiality, but, well,
you can’t please everyone. And, to be
totally honest, tiptoeing around the feelings of the bestiality community is
not super high on my list of priorities.)
“FUCKED”:
“That’s fucked”. Means, “that’s
awful/terrible/really really sucks dogballs”.
Which, like the “sucks” one above, is a terrible thing. Because when something is bad, it’s just
“bad”; when it’s “fucked”, it’s really hit the bottom of the experience
barrel. The idea that having sex is
meant to be not only unpleasant, but actually really really awful, is a pretty
repugnant attitude. It seems to tie into
rape-culture, the abuse of women (hystorically-speaking, I don’t think much
research would be required to suggest that it has been traditionally mostly
women who are “fucked”) – in general, just a really nasty, yucky, awful association
to make. Especially used as a threat –
“you’re fucked” – it’s just the most unpleasant rapey utterance possible
(although Mike Tyson’s memorable threat – “I’ll fuck you til you love me” –
does seem to put the icing on the rape-cake).
Sex should be positive. Sex
should be something you look forward to, not something to be dreaded. This shit can’t be good, psychologically-speaking,
this constant slandering of what should be a really quite pleasant activity. I mean, the more we collectively associate
the act of “fucking” with badness, even punishment, the more, collectively, we
are strengthening rape-culture. No? So I think this particular use of the word
“fucked” has to go. I don’t think I can
use that without modification. (For a
while, I have tried saying “arsefucked by baboons” instead of just “fucked”
(it’s still a bit unpleasant, but in a way that doesn’t legitimise rape-culture),
but it just doesn’t flow like the original.
A work in progress.)
OTHER PERMUTATIONS OF
“FUCK”:
Generally okay, I think. When used
for emphasis, the word “fucking” works fine, without necessarily bringing up
any connotations of rape culture or demeaning sex. More often than not, a good “fucking” slipped
into a sentence is surreal at worst: “pick up the fucking phone!”, “fucking hot
today, eh?”, “it was fucking enormous” – all of these are kinda weird taken
literally, but not offensive.
“I don’t give a fuck” – seems fine, it can basically be read
as “this doesn’t move me enough, certainly not to actual intercourse”, or words
to that effect. “I couldn’t be fucked” –
similar vibe, “I was unmotivated, my arousal levels were low”. So far so good.
“Fucked up” – hmm, my first feelings are that it’s kinda
similar to the “sex is bad” psychology above, especially if used in the sense
of “we fucked him up good”. So that one
has to go. But in the sense of “man,
that was some acid, I was so fucked up”, it could be that the inability to
function correctly the speaker is referring to is analogous to the feeling of
exhaustion after a really good shag – a pleasant sort of tiredness, floaty but
weak-kneed – and so in that way, can even be used quite positively. I’ll try some more: “That last bong really
fucked me up”, “Those shoes are fucked up!”, “Your hair is fucked up” – don’t
know about you, but it just doesn’t really feel as rapey to me as the “fucked”
entry earlier.
Moving on: “the fucker won’t pick up his phone!”, “that
fucking piece of shit”, “the fucker stole my distortion pedals!” – seems to
have the same connotation of “intercourse is bad”, only from the point of view
of a perpetrator. Do I want to live in a
culture where the idea of being a “fucker” – someone engaging in the active
physical process of intimacy – is a bad thing?
Or do I want to live in a culture that sees sex as fun, natural, and
appealing? I think this one probably has
to go as well. Perhaps we want to
substitute that with “raper”? After all,
no-one likes a raper. The act of rape is
pretty much universally seen as poor form.
If you’re trying to express displeasure with someone’s actions, and need
an evocative slur to express your anger, saying “that raper stole my distortion
pedals!” would seem to tick those boxes, without tainting the whole of
sex. To reiterate: not all sex is bad,
not all fucking should be condemned, so we’ll have to let this variant go. It’ll be hard, but I think we can do this, for
the good of our language, and the cultural uberpsyche that goes along with it.
“Motherfucker” – again, seems fine. Nothing wrong with having sex with mothers. I do it all the time. In fact, I think this word is actually good
for the world, taking motherhood from its weird saintly sexless pedestal of
unreality, and plonking it down in the real world. Mothers don’t stop being whole women just
because they have babies. Mothers have
desires. Mothers have sexual needs. Mothers need a good fucking now and then. Let’s keep this one. But it shouldn’t be an insult – it should
probably be reserved for emphasis. So
“it was motherfucking awesome” would be ideal; “you’re dead, motherfucker” not
so good. As with everything, context is
important. (It has since been pointed
out to me that the word “motherfucker” is perhaps meant to be insulting through
its connotations of incest, a possibility which I had not actually
considered. What do I think of
this? Hmmm. Well, first of all, I think that incest is
perhaps overly stigmatised – as long as power isn’t being abused, and the act
is consensual, I don’t think there’s anything intrinsically wrong with incest:
indeed, in many cultures, cousin-fucking (within officially-sanctioned
marriage, etc) is perfectly normal. I’m
pretty sure there’s some cousin-fucking going on in the British Royal Family,
isn’t there? So, as far as I can tell, a
“motherfucker”, even when taken as an incestual reference, is probably okay:
the power is with the fucker, presumably, who in this case is the child of the
aforementioned mother, so this doesn’t appear to be forced or awkward or a
power imbalance; and, as long as everyone is happy and having a good time and
is considering the long-term emotional effects, well, I’m not sure we can be too
hard on them. So, even using this
incesty interpretation, as far as I’m concerned, “motherfucker” can stay.)
There are obviously more variants of fuck to cover, but I
think we get the gist, and can deal with any further cases ourselves in our own
time.
“FUCKTARD”:
Okay, fine, just this one more. Now
this one could be problematic. I’ve read
various sources, and heard various actual living people, claim that this is
insulting to retarded folk. I don’t
agree. If I said “this shit’s retarded”,
then this is obviously offensive to retarded people. There is a real thing called “retarded”, and
you’re plainly using the real word “retarded” to mean “not very good”. This is inarguable, I think. Same with “spastic” or “gay” or any other
actual real description of actual real people – it’s just not on. It’s like if people were using the word
“Blackwell” to mean short, fat, and full of self-doubting procrastination. It might be true, but it would also be very
hurtful. So I think I have no truck
with epithets of this nature in the New Swearing Guide. But “fucktard”? I can’t help but love this word. And thing is, there is no-one on this planet
that is actually “fucktarded”. This word
applies to no living soul. There is
no-one’s actual feelings who can be legitimately hurt by the use of this word,
because none of us, none, are actually clinically and objectively
“fucktarded”. It’s a made up word, it’s
delightful, and I have to keep using it.
So in it goes.
“SLUT”:
Yeah, nah, can’t use this one.
Actually never ever have, and never ever will. It just doesn’t even make sense that this is
considered a swear-word: calling someone a “slut” is like calling someone a
“fire-fighter” or a “pilot”. It’s a
business description. “You small business operator!” Doesn’t make any
sense. And the way people seem to use
it, it comes with an icky double-standard gendered bullshit thingie that I just
don’t have time for – it’s a term almost exclusively reserved for use on women,
and nearly always used to make judgments about the
clothing/lifestyle/promiscuity/etc of said women, which is just no-one else’s
fucking business. It just doesn’t seem
fair or nice or culturally-desirable.
Out it goes.
AND WHAT ABOUT
“NIGGER”?
Why would anyone say that anyway?
Seriously? Dickheads. (Unless they’re singing along to Busta
Rhymes, in which case it’s kinda mandatory.
As in, there’s literally no way to sing along to the Bus-a-bus without
saying “nigger” pretty much every verse, in some cases nearly every line. But as long as it’s kept within the context
of home-style karaoke, I’m pretty sure it’s okay.) Same goes for any other racial slur – “ching
chong”, “boong”, “sheepfucker” – as insults, they suck total dogballs. Not because of the words themselves, but
because insulting someone because of something they had no choice over
(disability, gender, weight, race, the levels of melatonin, etc) is just stupid. When it’s not used as an insult, well, if the
recipient is cool with it, then I’m cool with it too. It’s basically a respect thing, and, as with
everything in life, seems to me to be context-dependent.
So, yeah, hope this has helped. Obviously this isn’t exhaustive, and I’ve
left out combinations of words (“dickhead”, “fuckwad”, “arsehat” etc) because I
kinda feel they most likely fall under one of the other guidelines already
explored above. But please, do let me
know if any of your favourites are missing, or if I’ve totally misunderstood
something – there’s nothing I like better than a good hardcore nerd-out about words.
That shit’s the shit.
