EXCERPTS FROM THE 2005 NOTEBOOK OF AVARIS HABACHI, UNDERGROUND DOCTOR
17/4/05: Patient exhibits signs of rust. After descaling and polishing, symptoms greatly alleviated.
23/5/05: Patient has severe case of wandering anus. Worst case I’ve seen before. Anus currently located 16 centimetres below left shoulder. Patient experiences anxiety, confusion, and great inconvenience, but no pain at this stage.
30/5/05: Patient producing earwax from the nose. Symptoms treated with discretion.
4/6/05: Patient claims to be from the future, thanks me for excellent work I have not yet performed. Unusual but harmless. Brought me large bouquet of irises, my favourite. Perfume exquisite.
6/6/05: Patient growing roots. Mostly aesthetic, however patient finds herself drawn towards large bodies of water. Trimming causes much distress. Tap root considerable, unresponsive to treatment. Long baths appear to soothe.
9/6/05: Patient largely atrophied. Currently fits in matchbox. Generally content, but very very small. Difficult to treat because of typical medication size. Note: patient’s sibling brought in, unusually large. Can’t help but suspect.
13/6/05: Patient with wandering anus returned. Anus now located midway up throat, patient much distressed. Recommended scarves, turtle-necks, and breath-freshening mints. Still no pain. Lotion seems to do little to alleviate symptoms, very perplexing.
17/6/05: Patient has independent eye. Attracted irresistibly to motion, green hues, and silent film. Muscular tests inconclusive. Symptoms treated with jade eyepatch and the works of D. W. Griffith.
25/6/05: Patient exhibiting dental outgrowths below the knee. Useless in everyday mastication, but benign. Recommended regular flossing.
26/6/05: Patient with post-knee dentation reports somnambulant episodes of partner-biting. Mouthguard may be required during sleep.
30/6/05: Patient prone to fits of rice-making. Delicious but needs more salt.
9/7/05: Patient exhibits signs of high-gloss. Recommended dermatologist and fine-grade sandpaper.
13/7/05: Patient exhibits functioning gills. Unfortunately, patient also has severe hydrophobia. Poor response to lotions and medication. Recommended increasing sessions of exposure to fine mist.
18/7/05: Patient exhibits extreme hair-loss, but not own hair. Have not seen case this bad in years. Treatment of tonic rubbed on proxy successful thus far.
21/7/05: Patient brought in by guardian. Patient exhibiting quadrupedia, mane, tail, hooves. Suspect patient may indeed just be horse. Referred guardian to psychologist, and, should symptoms persist, veterinarian.
1/8/05: Patient with wandering anus now in extreme discomfort. Anus now located in centre of forehead. Hats help only so much. Still no pain, but social anxiety intense. Referral to dietician and specialist in curse-breaking.
4/8/05: Patient complaining of lack of adherence to regular chronological flow. Recommended fibre, bath salts, and string. Prognosis promising. Asks for check-up appointment two months prior. Made strange comment about irises in vase on desk (which just seem to be getting fresher and fresher).